I like to make intricate designs out of modeling clay, marvel at their possibilities, peruse its future.

Then I smash it into nothingness.

Over and over, it’s driving me crazy,

How long can I hold in? I gave up yesterday.

But I, I see a brighter future

And I, I hold hope high above my head.

Videogaming addiction. The internet is so magnetic, so attractive, so free and alluring and distracting (especially for us.) I tell myself it won’t happen again, then I say, “I’ll just do it this time,” then I find myself ashamed. What would you think about the person who watches a movie, then plays videogames, then does their chores? I know what I think. That person is a loser. That person is the last person I want to be. That person is who I see in the reflection.

And the little voice says, “But shouldn’t you be proud of who you are? After all, you can’t change who you are, so you may as well live with it. C’est la vie.”

And my other voice says, “But that doesn’t mean you have to be that way forever. Maybe it’s time to grow. You can’t expect to be this awesome person tomorrow if you do nothing today. Doing nothing to change yourself isn’t acknowledgement of who you are, it’s neglectful of who you could be.”

And me slumps onto the couch, tired of thinking, tired of being, tired of being tired and ashamed. And so begins again.

Moving to another place, not just traveling, can open your eyes past your shelter. I need to remember that.

The strength of D&D is that it’s so bland and predictable that you, the player, have to make it work.

Heard about the misperception of swastikas and the longhorn symbol. But they fail to account for the fact that perception of a thing is more important than what the thing actually is: reality is subjective.

Artists use lies to tell the truth, while politicians use them to cover it up. I just learned that Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind and the Last Unicorn are the same studio. Alan Moore rules.

Remember, remember, November the Fifth.

Anything valuable takes time and dedication to achieve. My life makes a lot more sense knowing that. Dedication is hard for a person like me. I wonder how the loser became an acceptable idea. Words aren’t truth. I can say this is what I want, but that’s a lie.

There’s an absence of hope and a surplus of desperation. Time to make some lemon creme pie.

Like it or not, a TTRPG is an experience crafted by multiple people: the people who designed the game had an intended experience (which the mechanics should represent and encourage), but also the person who designs the actual experience, acts it out, and also the people who chose and play the game. Basically, each of these factors create a unique experience that can’t be copied, because each person or factor has their own factors and influences too.

However, all of these factors can make it difficult for two people to enjoy the same experience, or achieve the desired one. The GM may want a serious, gritty, dark game while the players may just make jokes about the setting and edgy NPCs.

I don’t know what that means or how to use it, but those are just some thoughts. If you didn’t notice, that’s also the definition of a social encounter, which happens on a day-to-day experience. People meet under certain circumstances, play the game their own way, and walk away under different clouds. It might not be an RPG problem, but rather a social one, that people have to agree and communicate to enjoy the game (or enjoy having no control at all).

That seems deep.

My life has been consumed by a little puppy. It’s like eating more donuts than you can rightly chew; kind of a good thing, but it’s still problematic. One of those “good problems.”

Society is a weapon. Argue what you will, when it comes to humans, we follow like lemmings.

One of those days.

I’m not frightened of touching shrimp anymore! They remind me of “Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind,” the huge beasts with a hundred eyes.

Florida never ceases to amaze me: yesterday, at the beach, we went to build a sandcastle with the kids and a huge flock of birds covered the sky before diving for breakfast, and various seagulls watched with amusement while bathing themselves.

I like listening to the trees sing.

It’s comforting to my soul.

Where I live, there are dragons everywhere. They live in trees, bushes, the tall grass, even in your house! Although, if you do leave them in your house, at least you won’t have to clean up dead bugs, and you may have a new friend. You know they’re dragons, but they try to hide their wings anyway, from people who can’t see right. Sometimes, they peek out of the bushes, or they scurry along your path, but they’re mostly harmless. The occasional scorch or nip won’t really hurt anybody, but sometimes they’re just too playful or frumpy that day. The only people they really get mad at are the ones who pick them up and mess with them. Those jerks get sent to the hospital.

But my favorite time to watch dragons are when the rain comes down and the new baby dragons first poke their heads out to glance at the clouds, and then scurry along in little groups away from the nearest frightening sound, bobbing their little heads up and down. It’s really cute and wonderful! Other times, when a dragon sits on a tree and doesn’t immediately run away, I try to get closer, and maybe talk to it, lean in a little bit. They stay very still and quiet that way, unless you get too close. Then, they run away into the treetops. None of them have stayed yet, but I try anyways.

So, if you ever come to my home, feel free to sit on benches and watch the dragons play, because there are plenty where I come from.

The End, Lotus

P.S. - There aren’t only small dragons. There are big dragons too, who live in the swampy forests, and while they don’t like to peek out as much as the small ones, they can be fierce and massive beasts!

If you’re gonna waste time on distracting yourself, put a timer on. After the timer goes off, get back to work. And maybe, after a milestone, you’ll treat yourself to another distraction.

Using concentrated distractions as a reward for productivity.

The dragonflies hover and bounce in the garden

dancing like shimmering shafts of light.

Got my cassette tapes from a friend returning from her trip! $0.69 each, from a thrift store. Online, $15 each!

Listening avidly to the music on my Walkman. It seems strange, an entirely different sound, music I’ve never heard before, but returning to life tonight, like Frankenstein. Like every track is Back to the Future.

I wonder if anyone else listens to these songs anymore. Everyone’s gotten rid of their cassettes.

Culture. History. Lost. Always and Forever.

Moving Day

Found the reverse speech website through finding a video of Stairway to Heaven played backwards. Apparently, the theory is that your speech pattern is dictated by your subconscious, and when played backwards reveals your unconscious thought. (Speaking backwards and flipping images, like the anti-cross, is a classic cult move. Like Disney’s Wicked Mickey)

Until a short while ago, I almost never ate meat. But living in a fishing town makes it rough. For some strange reason, I feel fat and sluggish whenever I eat starches or carbs now, which is all I eat. Lately, all I’ve been craving is blue cheese salad…

It’s wonderful that people love my articles, but I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. Does that make it more or less magical?

I feel like I should be writing important journalism for my future as a writer… but I prefer to write about the weather and the trees…

I wonder if the Romans gave Jesus and his disciples curly hair and white skin to “beautify” them, as curly hair was considered handsome and desirable.