Though they predicted His arrival, they could never have foreseen how quickly His influence grew. For many long years, we kept to the strict tradition of bland, tasteless Tofu, Vegetables, and Fruits.
But then the evil one came– Seitan! Soon new, trendy, flavorful fake meats invaded our sanctified shopping aisles, followed by organic foods and gluten free options to seize the weak minds of young impressionable hipsters!
Seitan! I curse thee, and send thee back to the pits of some godforsaken food laboratory from whence ye came, along with all your catchy corporate-owned descendants!
… Now, the thirty reasons why you should follow the good old Atkins diet.